Ever had a bad meeting? What sort. of things make for a bad meeting? You might recognise the following behaviours:
Hogging the show: talking too much, too long, too loud.
Problem solver: continually giving the answer or solution before others have
had much chance to contribute.
Speaking in capital letters: giving one's own solutions or opinion as the final
word on the subject, often
aggravated by tone of voice and body posture.
Nit picking: pointing out minor flaws in others' statements and stating the
exception to every generality.
Restating: saying in another way what someone else, especially a woman, has
just said perfectly clearly.
Attention seeking: using all sorts of dramatics to get the spotlight.
Put-downs and one-upmanship "I used to believe that, but now..." or
"How can you possibly say that...?
Self -listening: formulating a response after someone else's first few sentences,
not listening to anything from that point on, and leaping in at the first pause.
Inflexibility: taking a last stand for one's position on even minor items.
Avoiding feelings: intellectualising, withdrawing into passivity, or. making
jokes when it's time to share feelings.
Condescension and paternalism: "Now, do any women have something to add?"
Running the show: continually taking charge of tasks before others have the
chance to volunteers.
Speaking for others: "what she really means is..."
Being. "on the make": using sexuality to manipulate others.
Self-sabotage: "This is really stupid, but..." or "I think that
maybe I kind of feel, strongly about that issue." or,
when not heard properly, "oh, it was nothing..."
Star-gazing: idolising more experienced or charismatic activists and downgrading
oneself in comparison.
Walking on Eggshells: tailoring one's comments to calm or soothe a volatile
member of the group; holding back
words for fear they'll upset someone.
Pushover: Abandoning an argument of opinion at the first sign of disagree merit.
Feeling expendable: assuming your opinions are irrelevant or naive; imagining
yourself as a faceless observer.
You've probably seen most of these in action, and you've probably used a few yourself. Chances are, if you're a man, you'll find yourself employing the first set of behaviours more than the second- you may feel compelled to demonstrate your abilities and show the group sound direction. Chances are, if you're a woman, you'll fall more into the second set - you may feel obligated to please the group, to keep it comfortable. These are sex roles. In general, our social conditioning pressures men to sieze the dominant role, to "take charge", and teaches women to adopt the passive, subordinate role. The full wealth of knowledge and skills available to the group is severely limited by these, and other, behaviours. Women and men who are less assertive than others or who don't feel comfortable participating in a competitive atmosphere are, in effect, cut off from the interchange of experience and ideas.
Try not to see the above list as just a list of "no no's." Consider it a guide to finding a balance between the opposite roles that we've been taught.
By observing ourselves and others inter-acting in groups, by sharing supportive criticism when necessary, by helping create a sensitive atmosphere in which all can participate, we can begin to overcome our conditioning and liberate our group process.
One helpful exercise can be to have someone observe a whole group meeting -making notes of who speaks how often, the balance or imbalance between male and female participation and so on - and gently feeding back her or his observations at the end of the meeting.
For many, it isn't easy to criticise or be criticised in a group. Although
criticism is usually accurate, it doesn't feel very good. And sometimes there
is undeserved criticism mixed with it, which feels even worse and can be frustrating
and confusing. It can be easy to launch into counter-attack. If you're giving
criticism, try to give it supportively and avoid messages whichsay: "You're
a bad person." If receiving criticism, try to listen carefully, and
be honest about your feelings.
index - organisation - attack - defence - other